“My Wife’s Pregnant, We’re Gonna Have a Baby!” “Oh, Tell Her Congratulations!”Same-Sex Couples’ Desires for Support in Parenting

Alternative Families

There are many variations of family forms. Those who do not fit the “traditional” model of the family are considered alternative families. Same-sex couples and parents are the subject of many debates about alternative families in recent years. Webb (2005) argues that with the dramatic changes in families over the past twenty years, the notion of a “one size fits all” family mentality is losing some credibility. Modern families may involve relatives or parents with different sexual orientations (Webb, 2005). However, because society is fixated on the notion of the “traditional” family, wider institutions in society continue to reinforce traditional assumptions and family relations. In turn, this makes it very difficult for gay or lesbian families to gain acceptance, and this is partially because many institutions in society have failed to adapt to the ever-changing structure of family. According to Juel (1993), “The same-sex couple is perhaps perceived as the most threatening non-traditional family arrangement” (Juel, 1993, p. 318).

Giddens (2000) argues that, according to anthropological surveys, homosexuality is tolerated in many cultures, but attitudes in the Western world tend to be more extreme than other societies. According to Burkholder and Burbank (2012), “About 1% of all households are headed by same-sex couples. Of this number, 19.4% reported having children” (Burkholder and Burbank, 2012, p.13). The number of households that are headed by same-sex couples may only represent one percent of the population, but this trend is increasing, as are liberal attitudes among U.S. citizens. According to Burkholder and Burbank, “47% of Americans favor gay marriage compared with 43% who are opposed” (Burkholder and Burbank, 2012, p.13). However, even with an increase in acceptance, gay marriage is still a topic that is heated for many Americans. Some scholars point out that there are religious and cultural bases that influence Americans to stand against gay marriage (Juel, 1993). Attitudes from a slow changing population are reflected in the wider society thereby making it more difficult for couples to gain acceptance of their families and acknowledgement of the challenges that they face. This also makes it more difficult for them to negotiate their roles within their families and communities.

In the case of same-sex parents, the notion of role making and role taking can be applied as well (Williams, 2002). Same-sex parents try to change or reshape more traditional gender roles within the context of new social norms. They attempt to reshape the traditional gender roles but it hasn’t always been possible, as there are societal constraints such as the lack of government support, inconsistency within the enforcement of laws, etc., that impede their ability to shape their role within their family and within the wider community.

Family Dynamics

Stacey and Biblarz (2001) note that there are some scholars who oppose gay and lesbian parenting for several reasons. Some scholars argue that gay and lesbian parents expose their children to the risk of being homosexual themselves, as well as making them more likely to suffer confusion over their gender and sexual identity (Stacey and Biblarz, 2001). Moreover, it is argued that homosexual parents are more likely to, “Molest their own children and children in these types of families are more likely to lose a parent to AIDS, substance abuse, suicide, and suffer from higher levels of depression” (Stacey and Biblarz, 2001, p.161). Same-sex couples are portrayed as unstable and more likely to separate than heterosexual couples.

Nevertheless, one of the most powerful arguments that some scholars make against same-sex parenting is the social stigma of having a same-sex parent. Stigma “ostracizes children and hinders their relationships with peers” (Stacey and Biblarz, 2001, p.161). The definition of family that is used to compare families to other families is based on the notion of heterosexuality and the social order. Nearly every family in the United States is compared to and judged against the conception of the “traditional” family. Gay and lesbian parent families are judged and compared to this standard as well. However, with the ever-changing nature of American society, there are very few families that fit the model of the traditional family anymore.

In important ways, the way we describe the “functioning” social order impacts how we define adaptive or deviant individuals, responses, etc. One of the models of group relations is assimilation. In the case of same-sex parents and homosexuality, the wider society culturally dominates same-sex parents as heterosexuality is the dominant practice. Full assimilation occurs when the new or once different members of society are indistinguishable from the dominant culture, whether the dominant and subordinate cultures choose to assimilate or not. In the case of same-sex parents, full assimilation to the dominant culture occurs when same-sex parenting is widely accepted socially and legally, whether the dominant culture wants same-sex parenting to become a dominant group practice or not. Once same-sex parents are accepted legally and socially, such parenting becomes an accepted practice among the dominant culture.

Gay and lesbian-headed families are just one of many family types that continue to increase in popularity amongst Americans. In the case of same-sex parent families, families rapidly become more prevalent with the passing of legislation allowing same-sex couples to marry. With backward socialization, young people are successful in “queering” the family (Cohler, 2005). Backward socialization has a significant impact on how gay and lesbian parents socialize their children about family life. Hence, there has been a decline in the prevalence of traditional families. It is possible that traditional families, as seen in the nineteen-fifties, are likely to become the minority while non-traditional families, such as gay and lesbian headed families, gain popularity.

Legal Challenges Same-Sex Parents Face

Challenges within Parenting Practices

To my knowledge, there is no literature in existence that discusses some of the parenting challenges that same-sex couples face in relation to parenting practices. There is not any literature that discusses how same-sex parents talk about the media with their children or discusses how they talk about marriage with their children. Additionally, there is no research that addresses how same-sex couples navigate a society that is very different from that of their parents. This research is vital to challenging other scholars to examine such parenting challenges and is important in bringing to light a body of literature that did not exist before. These challenges will aid in not only helping us understand same-sex family processes, but also aid in supporting a reconceptualization of families and family processes.

Recruitment Strategies: Successes and Limitations

The interviews were administered to seven same-sex parent couples that resided in the Southeastern Michigan area. Partners were interviewed together and interviews were completed within a six-month period from September 2014 through February of 2015. The recruitment goal was twenty couples; however, I faced difficulty in securing interviews. My sample included mostly white, lesbian women, except for one couple where one of the partners identified as Hispanic. This lack of sample diversity is attributed to a few factors. Because I used primarily snowball sampling, the couples I recruited often connected me with other couples that they knew, which often mean newly recruited couples were of the same racial-ethnic and class backgrounds of other couples. In addition, within one of my recruitment areas, most self-identified lesbian women are known to be white and therefore it was more likely that they also referred me to other same-race couples in that area. Another explanation is that, within the black community, revealing one’s sexual orientation is sometimes detrimental and looked down upon (Moore, 2011). As a result, black lesbian women may tend to keep their identities hidden more often and, thus, it is more difficult to recruit from this community. They are not as visible as women who identify as white lesbians, especially within the communities from which I recruited. My identity as a white woman also was and could be a potential barrier in recruiting from places where black lesbians might congregate.

Nancy Mezey (2008) reflects on this same difficulty in her study with lesbian women. “In addition to the problem of recruiting working-class lesbians, I found there were significant barriers between me and Black lesbian communities” (Mezey, 2008, pp. 37). As a white researcher, Mezey found that there was a great racial divide between the white and black lesbian women in the community where she recruited participants. In her effort to gain access to the black lesbian community, she contacted support groups that were meant for black lesbian women only. However, she found that these group meetings were cancelled without her knowledge. Mezey’s identity as a white, lesbian researcher most likely influenced her ability to recruit due to the racial divide. Thus, recruiting black lesbian women was very difficult in Mezey’s research. However, Moore (2011) gained access to the black lesbian community in a few different ways. First, Moore is a black woman and so she could get access to the black lesbian community much easier than Mezey because she was able to relate to her participants on a racial level (2011, pp. 236). In addition, Moore gained access to the black lesbian community by frequenting events where her desired participants hung out. As a black woman, she had entry into the black lesbian community and thus could meet possible participants before she began her research.

Perhaps in the future, I could recruit by focusing on different cities or known LGBTQ communities. By sampling from different communities, I may be able to get the diverse pool of participants that I need. Once I have entry into these different communities, then I could more easily utilize snowball sampling to help obtain the diverse sample. I could also obtain a more diverse sample by spending time at spaces and events that are LGBTQ and family friendly. I could attend a series of pride festivals in different communities or, frequent businesses that are LGBTQ friendly such as LGBTQ bookstores. Frequenting these types of establishments could also aid in expanding my recruitment tool kit.

Nonetheless, I still used different recruitment methods to secure the sample that I used for the current study. Two participants responded to the flyer for my study. The remaining five participants were recruited using snowball sampling methods. An initial email was sent out to the directors of the centers, Affirmations and PFLAG, to introduce myself as well as a general overview of the research being conducted. The directors were asked if they would be interested in having, or even, considering their community members participation in such research. If so, I asked if they would be willing to circulate a recruitment flyer for this research throughout their organization. Upon IRB approval, the paper flyer was posted at a local LGBT center in the Southeastern Michigan area. The flyer had key information such as: the purpose of the research, who is eligible to participate, involvement of the participants, any risks of participating in this research, that participation is voluntary, and where and how I could be contacted if they were interested in participating in my research. Those who were interested contacted me to indicate their participation. The participant and I then arranged a time for the interview to occur, discussed the research, and answered any questions that they had.

Sampling Criteria

The study population consisted of same-sex parents who had at least one child and lived in the Southeastern Michigan area. Nonprobability purposive sampling methods were used to gather the population sample initially, followed by snowball sampling. The parents had to self-identify as gay or lesbian and have at least one child under the age of eighteen years old, whether through adoption, artificial insemination, or other means. I chose to include parents with at least one child under eighteen because parents of younger children would hypothetically be impacted by more recent societal constraints more directly than parents who have children over the age of eighteen. I also chose to be open in terms of how the parents brought children into their lives because I knew that children can come into a family through a variety of ways. Keeping this open would also assist me in gaining a diverse pool of participants. I did not want to turn away parents that had children from a previous marriage or relationship. I wanted to keep my criteria open to foster a diverse sample pool.

Data Collection

Interviews took place at the home of the participant for confidentiality purposes and to make the participant more comfortable. In addition, I gained insight into the environment in which their families live. I arrived at the home of the participant, and participants voluntarily signed a consent form to indicate that they understand the risks of the research and their involvement in the research. Participants also consented to be recorded using an audio recorder. I also explained that if there are any children in the home, I was not to interview them as per Human Subjects review regulations.

There were twenty-one interview questions that participants were asked. Interviews ranged from an hour to an hour and a half in length. Questions covered a variety of topics including; their own family background (structure, family dynamics, dominant family values), their process of coming out and its effects on family relationships, and their relationship with their partner (when and how they met, how long they have known each other, how long they have been together, how long they have been living together). Interview questions also asked about their children (how many, genders, ages, how long lived together as a family), thoughts from their family of origin and society that they considered when deciding to become parents, the extent that being LGBT influences their parenting (enlighten them to issues, values or rights that they may not otherwise think about), negative media portrayals and what they would say to their children about these portrayals, and how they would address same-sex marriage with their children given that it was not legal at the time of the interview. Finally, I asked the partners about who they turn to for social support besides each other, and about any lessons they have learned about life being LGBT. I asked a wide range of questions to paint a more accurate picture of what their lives were like.

Generally, the interviews went well. Participants were very open and eager to share their lives as parents with me. After the interviews, they often talked with me for an hour or more about other topics and introduced me to other members of their family. Many said that they, “could have talked all day” about their experiences and often joked that I was going to run out of space or that they would need the entire space on the recorder for their interview. The questions that asked how they would talk to their children about certain topics were the most difficult for them to answer as most couples had children under the age of five and were not at that stage yet with their children. For those who did have children that were old enough, these questions were also a little bit more difficult. Overall, other than having difficulty with securing interviews, interviews were easy to conduct and they provided me with a copious amount of rich data. Hence, this research allowed me to collect data from gay or lesbian parents in a way that fostered much deeper and more valuable data than other social research methods.

Data Analysis

Regarding data analysis, I took detailed notes to collect valuable information pertinent to the study. The participant interviews took place and data was collected and recorded for further analyzing. Responses that were open-ended were coded prior to analyzing the data. The responses from the interviews were compiled and then analyzed through the analytical frame work of Erving Goffman. General patterns and sub-themes were identified in the responses from parents. Data was then used to arrive at a deeper understanding of same-sex couple parenting.

Moreover, given the limited diversity of my sample, I was not able to analyze the data with a strong emphasis on intersectionality, as I originally was hoping to do. With a more diverse sample, I could make stronger analytic comparisons across varied subgroups of same sex couples. Instead, and because of the limitations in my sample, I focus on the multi-faceted identity of each parent and compare the ways in which their identities weave together to inform their experiences as parents and lesbian women. I argue that, although most of my sample is racially white, there are still important implications that arise out of the data. Especially because I could interview couples (dyads) and not just individual parents, I propose that there are useful data that come from this study.

Limitations and Contributions

Given the methodology of this research, there were a few other limitations that may have affected the outcome of the study as well. As mentioned in some of the previous studies, since the sample was gathered using non-probability sampling methods, I cannot generalize the findings to all gay or lesbian parents. Moreover, because the interview featured same-sex parents from the southeastern Michigan area, I cannot overgeneralize the results. Because of the nature of this research topic, some participants may not have responded truthfully to face-to-face interview questions as compared to a telephone interview. During interview research, there was a risk that the participant possibly would give responses that they thought the interviewer would want to hear versus what is truthful of the life or lifestyle. Lastly, a weakness of this study was that I was not able to achieve the initial response goal of twenty participants and thus, the sample of seven couples was not as representative as the initial goal sample would have been. The sample that I acquired was mostly white and thus, I could not dive as deeply into intersectionality as I originally planned.

Nevertheless, this study contributes to the wider body of literature in numerous ways. To my knowledge, there is no research that has been done regarding challenges that same-sex parents face in raising children. For example, I have seen very little research that has addressed how same-sex parents navigate teaching their children about other families or how they have those “tough” conversations with their children about sexuality and or the media. In addition, I have not seen other research that focuses on how same-sex parents negotiate or define their roles as parents, particularly when one parent carries a child and one does not.

Raising Children

In thinking about how to raise their own children, couples took into consideration what their own upbringing and family of origin was like. One of the most frequently mentioned thoughts by four out of seven couples was the idea of spending time together as a family and or eating together as a family. One partner noted: “Yeah, family dinner was something that, I think because it is the one traditional [thing] that I have from growing up. It is something that I hold of value.” This parent lived in an upper-middle class community and worked as Test Engineer for an organization. Her partner earned a Ph.D. and works as a professor at a university. In her family, her partner carried and birthed their seventeen-month old son after using IVF. Regarding religious affiliation, this couple took a broad approach to religion that enforced doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing versus doing the right thing because God said so. Another partner from a different couple argued that: “I always hated it growing up but, apparently it is important that we make him eat dinner, like every meal that we can together. Yeah, to try and keep it kind of close, keep our family close.”

This partner was a stay-at-home parent with a Bachelor’s degree. Her partner birthed the child after they used IVF, she worked as a Curriculum specialist after earning her M.A. In comparing the two couples that are quoted here about family dinner, in each couple the partner with the highest educational attainment birthed the child. This couple also lived in a middle-class community in a neighborhood with older homes that were close to one another. Some felt that they did not have the time eating together as a family when they were growing up, and thus it was something that they wanted to share and experience with their children. Others did have the experience of eating together as a family when growing up and so in this sense, it was something that they enjoyed and wanted to continue with their own children.

Acceptance from family members was also another important thought that six out of seven couples shared. They wanted their family to accept and love the family that they were going to create. One couple argued: “Yeah, I mean because each of us had one [child], we were concerned about whether or not the family would be as accepting of the one that we didn’t birth ourselves. I know that was a big concern...” This couple is the only couple out of the entire sample where one parent was not white. They also both hold advanced graduate degrees, both Master’s degrees, and both work full-time. This couple is also divided regarding religious affiliation, one Catholic and one Jewish. Regarding bringing children into their lives, this is the only couple where each parent carried a child in the context of their relationship. They each shared the role of being the “other” parent while one partner carried the child.

Religious beliefs were also another frequently mentioned thought among four of the seven couples. Some debated how they wanted to orient their children to religion. One couple stated: “Religiously, that was a HUGE concern. I am Jewish and she is Catholic so we had to talk about that...” In some cases, each parent grew up with varying religious backgrounds. On the other hand, some couples had shared similar religious perspectives. In other couples, there was one partner who was religious and one who was not. One partner said:

The individual quoted above is part of one of the two couples within the highest educational attainment, and the parent with the highest educational level within the couple birthed the child. In these cases, the parent that chose to carry the child had the job that provided a higher income, and thus, they did not want to not be able to support their family. For those who thought about religion, most couples tended to steer their children toward a perspective that emphasized doing what was right over the idea that they needed to do something because God required them to or else they would go to Hell. There were a few couples that wanted to steer their children toward a specific religious philosophy and or religious way of life. One couple argued: “We had to talk about which direction religiously that we would go and how we would work that into the system.” This couple is the only couple in the sample to have a white and a non-white parent. They also were divided about their own religious philosophies as a couple. One identified as Jewish while the other parent identified as Catholic.

In addition, some couples argued that it was important to have children who are biologically related to each other (i.e., using the same sperm donor). The following quote draws from the one couple in the sample that was racially diverse. The way in which they decided to birth the children was different from the other couples. Other couples tended to either adopt or have one parent birth all the children. Both parents were also the “other” parent at one point during their relationship while the other parent carried the child. They explained their thoughts related to having children:

Some parents also wanted to play an active role in their children’s lives by exposing children to information about other peoples’ struggles and/or experiences. They wanted their children to be aware of struggles that other people face and be sensitive to that in their interactions with others and the world around them. The following quote is drawn from a couple where both parents had college degrees and were both working full-time. They also were the couple in the sample that had the youngest child at the time of the interview, a six-month-old boy. Regarding their own upbringing as children, they had drastically different experiences related to their family structure and dynamics. In the following quote, one of these parents talks about their thoughts in thinking about their own child’s upbringing and what they hope to teach them:

A few couples also shared their perspectives about parenting dynamics within a same-sex family. These couples suggested that there may be different dynamics between same-sex parents than between heterosexual partners. For example, one couple talked about the separation that was felt by one partner when the other partner carried the pregnancy and vice versa. This couple is the only couple in the sample where one parent was not white and they both carried a child in the context of their relationship. One partner who did not carry the pregnancy at a specific time argued:

This finding is confirmed in research by Booker and Dodd (2008). Booker and Dodd discussed how parents go from a two-person family to a three-person family, and how those changes brought differences in parenting dynamics: “When one mother is doing the bulk of the nurturing (perhaps staying at home or breastfeeding), the other parent may feel left out” (Booker and Dodd 2008, p. 191). And while there is a significant amount of support for heterosexual parents who are going through these challenging times, not as much support exists for same-sex parents. Specifically, participants in my study indicated that there were not nearly as many same-sex couples with children as heterosexual couples and, thus, at times they feel isolated and cannot work out these feelings with others in similar situations.

Being Parents

Couples had many thoughts as they were preparing to raise their children. One of the most important thoughts shared by couples was deciding where to live. Some were looking for areas that reflected diversity (racial and otherwise), so that their children would be exposed to diverse types of people. Some also placed importance on finding an area to live where there were other same-sex families that they could relate to and go to the same school with. In the following excerpt, one couple talked about their experience with thinking about where to live. This couple both had college degrees and worked full-time. They also had the youngest child in the sample, a six-month old boy. In thinking about experiences with where they lived as children, both parents came from neighborhoods that were more conservative and mostly white. One of the parents added:

The next quote draws from the only couple in the sample where both parents birthed a child within the context of their same relationship. They also were the only couple to have a parent that is non-white and Catholic while the other parent was white and Jewish. Both parents have advanced graduate degrees and live in a large, lower-middle class to middle class neighborhood. In this couple, one partner had a nuclear family structure while the other had parents that divorced when the partner was a child. The parent that grew up in a nuclear family structure responded in a comparable way to the previous couple:

In these quotes, couples talked about having to sacrifice more living space for a smaller living space to live in a culture that is more accepting of same-sex families. These quotes make it very clear that the friendliness of the parenting environment is important for same-sex couples as they make decisions to become parents and expand their family. Where a couple decides to raise their family can affect how that family interacts with the society around them and, in turn, affect the socialization process of the children in the household (and the ease at which adults can parent). Those living in a culture and space that seems more liberal can socialize their children in a way that is representative of that culture (and therefore, they feel as if they belong), in comparison to those who live in a culture and space that is not same-sex family-friendly.

As mentioned previously, there are several legal and societal challenges that same-sex couples face today (Smith, 2010; Juel, 1993; Mallon, 2008). Some of these challenges include challenges that they face within their child’s school. Some suggested that they were fearful of how their child’s school would respond to their family form. Because a child’s school is influential as a socialization agent, in molding and shaping their pupils’ knowledge of acceptable family forms, parents knew that the school environment was important. If a school portrays same-sex families in a positive light, the child will most likely hold a positive portrayal of same-sex families. If the school portrays same-sex families in a negative way, then that can be passed onto children (and later to their peers and family) through social interaction. How the child is socialized to different family forms can influence how they interact with their own families and how they perceive family forms as an adult. It may also affect children’s self-esteem and same-sex parents’ abilities to parent easily or comfortably. Fedewa and Clark (2009) argue that same-sex parents often fear negative consequences for both themselves and their child and are not sure how their child’s teacher will react to their families (p. 316). Fedewa and Clark (2009) propose that same-sex families sometimes face school environments that are not sensitive to family diversity, and that this can be a major concern for same-sex couples.

School curricula are heavily based on the notion of the nuclear family and are a challenge for same-sex parents today (Fedewa and Clark, 2009). One couple decided to approach such a challenge by making sure that both partners had the same last name. That way, there would be no challenges getting a child out of school because the two parents had different last names. Within this couple, one parent grew up in a nuclear family structure while the other parent had parents that divorced when she was a child. They also were one of two couples where the parent with the highest educational attainment carried the child. This couple was also one of two couples that faced some form of backlash from their families of origin about their own family structure that they have created. The partner that had divorced parents as a child explained:

There was also some anxiety about interactions with their children’s school. Specifically, there was anxiety about how their child’s teacher and other school personnel would react. The following quote features one of the two couples in the sample that faced backlash from their family. They also were the only couple in the sample to have a girl child. Both parents have Associate’s degrees and work full-time, one in Sales and other in Law Enforcement. One of the parents had parents that divorced while they were a child while the other parent grew up in a nuclear family structure. The partner that had parents that divorced birthed their child and was the most concerned about school interactions. She explained her feelings about interactions with their child’s school:

As children, we are socialized to the idea that children should have a mother and a father, married and with the same last name, and this is reflected throughout educational institutions (Fedewa and Clark, 2009).

When a same-sex couple enrolls their child at a school, they are unaware as to how their family will be perceived since they do not represent the nuclear, heterosexual family. Having the same last name is one strategy that offers same-sex couples protection to against rejection from their children’s school. Same-sex parents feel as if they will be less likely to be questioned if they have the same name as their children. Thus, the ideal of the nuclear family still lurks within contemporary society despite changes in family structure types.